Fortysomething ailments

You’re quite likely to be afflicted by a wide range of new ailments, physical and psychological, all of which can be traced to your advancing years. The good news is that most can easily be cured by a brisk walk and never watching Desperate Housewives ever again.

Festival Ear: Condition chiefly brought about by not having attended a rock festival for over twenty years. Early signs include the comment ‘why is the music so loud, I don’t remember it being this ear-splitting when we were playing our nose flutes at Glastonbury in 1983. What’s wrong with today’s young people?’
Texter’s Finger: That funny way people over forty text, as if it might be dangerous to exceed two letters a minute, is a condition that is only likely to worsen over time and is best dealt with in the comfort of the sufferer’s own bedroom, where at least no one can make any more smart-arse comments.
Mistaken Identity: Potentially serious condition by which you believe you are actually much younger than you are. Ages can range from early thirties to as young as six, and can be brought on by a wide range of triggers from a quick lunchtime botox to someone telling you you’d like Second Life.
Dad Dancing: Male urge to flail limbs uncontrollably as if actually performing dance movements; usually reaches peak during Paul Weller’s ‘Wildwood’. Fortunately often more distressing for the bystander than the sufferer himself.
Phantom Limbs: Affects many men who can often feel one or both legs scoring the epoch-defying winning goal at the Cup Final, even though they themselves were rejected for the works team on the grounds of apparently having two artificial left feet.
Temporary Blindness: Traumatic condition usually brought on by sudden visit to an H&M and, even though it is a typical English summer, buying items that even Kate Moss might find too embarrassing.
Senior Moments: We‘re sure you‘d prefer to draw a veil over this one. If you can even remember where you put it, that is.