Fortysomethings and birthdays

For those who’ve had children, birthdays – sadly – can never be quite the same again. Whether it’s the shopping in Toys R Us, getting the party theme right or the cost, they tend nowadays unsurprisingly to trigger an allergic reaction of fear and loathing.

And, of course, when it comes to your own birthday, there are now plenty of depressing scenarios revolving around (a) your age – do you really wish to receive ‘humorous’ cards reminding you that your womb and other internal and external organs and pieces of your body are either shrinking or falling to earth? (b) the fact that you’ve been around so long and have enough gift toiletry sets to sink the QE2. Is there really anything else they can buy you?

Added to which, the unfortunate truth is that reaching your forties is highly amusing to everyone apart from yourself. You’re hardly a spring chicken, but on the other hand still have some miles to go before achieving anything approaching gravitas or having people actually respect you. You’re definitely on the up and up, but think of it as Shooter’s Hill or the highest village in Essex rather than anything for anyone to get very excited about. Eventually, don’t worry, you’ll get brownie points and hopefully something nice for having survived that long. But in the meantime, some like to remind you that now you’ve finally passed the point of no return you definitely deserve a present that allows you to draw attention to yourself.

Whether your present is in the form of a day’s hang-gliding (we heard you had a death wish), a Ray Mears Survival Day (we heard you liked road kill) or a luxurious spa day (you’re a middle-aged woman, goddammit, and we couldn‘t think what else to get you), they’re all felt to be excellent ways of celebrating your mid-life crisis. All you can do is ask yourself is, after forty or more years on this planet, do your friends and relatives really see you as a sad, strange person on a suicide mission or in desperate need of deep-pore cleansing? Er, yes, probably.

Favourite Forties Birthday Presents for Men

Buena Vista Social Club
Historical novels about Roman centurion serial killers
Atlas for when the sat nav doesn’t work
Nose and ear hair clippers
Weekend washbag
Greatest Ever Football Matches DVD
Car cleaning kit
Edinburgh Military Tattoo CD
Set of Romanian spanners
Golf ball soaps
Model vintage car
Socks with clocks on
Miniature golf set


Favourite Forties Birthday Presents for Women

Duran Duran’s Greatest Hits
Book with inspirational thoughts about the menopause
Aromatherapy starter kit
Joanna Harris novel about owning a chocolate shop in France
Trug set
Hyacinth to keep in your cupboard until next Christmas
M&S perfume
Teaspoon to start your collection
Pomander
Scented drawer liners
Gift toiletry set
Ice cream making set
Pashmina
Padded coat hangers
Rampant Rabbit vibrator with a chocolate